When it comes to repairing relationships, many of us will need to unlearn some unhealthy behaviors. Many of us learned, or assumed, that in relationship conflict, we need to convince, coerce, convict or control. People have tried to do this to you, and perhaps you’ve tried to do it to other people. But every time a person uses the 4 C’s, incredible damage is done to the relationship. So, when a relationship is strained, how do you begin to put it back together? It begins by identifying the right goal. It is to live like Jesus.

When it comes to repairing relationships, many of us will need to unlearn some unhealthy behaviors. Many of us learned, or assumed, that in relationship conflict, we need to convince, coerce, convict or control. People have tried to do this to you, and perhaps you’ve tried to do it to other people. But every time a person uses the 4 C’s, incredible damage is done to the relationship. So, when a relationship is strained, how do you begin to put it back together? It begins by identifying the right goal. It is to live like Jesus.

If you have a wound, it will either get infected or it will heal. There’s no third option. The same is true when someone sins against you. Your inner life will either heal, or it will get infected. But, some misinformation about forgiveness can keep us from practicing it. In this message, we’ll address some common myths about forgiveness and uncover precisely what forgiveness is and how it works. Forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of the offense (it’s important to acknowledge it’s a big deal). Forgiveness is not reconciliation (reconciliation is not always available). Forgiveness isn’t a team sport. It’s a one-player game. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened (it might be impossible to forget). Forgiveness is not a feeling, and it is not fair. So, what is it? Forgiveness is a choice. And if you decide to make the choice, healing will begin.

Is reconciliation always a good idea? What about egregious sins? What about the people who have deeply hurt us and they’re not sorry that they did it? In the Bible, we learn that there are some people who are to be avoided – even after you forgive them. There’s an important distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Wise people let go of all resentment and anger to forgive. Wise people also recognize when to keep the walls high.

It’s easy for all of us to point out the wrong that someone else has done to us. It’s a little more challenging to point out the ways we have been wrong. But reconciliation only has a chance when you begin by identifying our owning your slice of the blame pie. You might be 50% responsible for the broken relationship. You might only be 5%. But restoration begins with owning your slice of the pie… and apologizing for it.

If a relationship will be brought to full reconciliation, it won’t happen until the (more) mature person decides to make a move in the direction of the relationship. As we wrap up the series, we’ll put together all of the steps we have covered, along with a new one, that are needed to bring the relationship back together. It includes forgiving from the heart, owning your slice, making the first move, and expressing forgiveness to people who apologize.